10 Costumes I Don’t Want to See Anyone Wearing This Halloween

10. 1/2 Devil, 1/2 Angel Adult Plus Costume

This indecisive costume made it on my list for aesthetic reasons. It might be the shape of the dress, how itchy the fabric looks, the fact that the angel’s halo looks like a hairy amoeba, the mismatched shoes, or the soulless grin on the model’s face. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst costume; it’s just the kind of costume that makes you force a smile and read too much into the situation when your mother-in-law insists that you slip it on.






9. Raccoon Adult Costume

I’ll be honest: I don’t understand why people are completely paralyzed by the presence of raccoons. However, if I caught this dude digging through my trash, I would call the FBI. This costume is hilariously terrible, and the only story I can put behind it is that a man fell into a vat of toxic waste and is currently undergoing a slow and painful transformation into a raccoon. Whatever his Halloween plans are, they had better be far away from my house and my trash.






8. Inflatable Ballerina Adult Costume

This is another trick-or-treater who needs to stay off of my block lest I sic ye old po-pos on their behind. (To clarify, don’t come to my house or I’m calling the police.) I find this costume offensive just because it seems to make fun of the idea of large women dancing. Honestly, I would love to see a large woman throw down in a dance-off, and I would be cheering her on, not laughing. This costume also seems to be high maintenance considering the fact that it requires an air pump.







7. Turkey Adult Costume

First of all, this costume is not worth $129.99. If you spent that much money on this, you probably missed out on paying your water bill. Who would trade a month of showers for a costume that may or may not constitute a bar fight? Imagine it: your turkey-self is sipping on a piña colada when all of a sudden your polyester tail feathers brush up against a candy-deprived and therefore very unhappy biker. Just because Benjamin Franklin wanted America’s national bird to be the turkey doesn’t mean that it’s okay to wear this.







6. Cooked Turkey Adult Costume

This costume is the result of your bar fight. You’ve been skinned, beheaded and cooked, and all you want to do is go home and watch cable television. While this costume reminds me of how mortified I was the first time I jammed a celery stick into a turkey’s neck-hole, its benefit is that it’s only $99.99. But would you pay that much for a costume that could make a better dish? Maybe.







5. Shrek Forever After – Gingerbread Man Plus Adult Costume

Just don’t do it or your friends won’t like you anymore.








4. Blunt Master Joint Adult Costume

At what parties would this be socially acceptable? Lots of them. How could you make a family costume out of this? Dress your two-year-old up as a lighter.







3. Cry Baby Adult Costume

This costume is a testament to the slacker, the man-child, the Peter Pan complex, and an undergrad degree in piñata smashing. Nothing about this costume is funny to me and if I were an infant I would sue their diapers off. The fact that a couple would choose to wear these costumes might be a red flag for child services and or any local adoption agencies.






2. Little Miss Supreme Beauty Adult Costume

On a serious note, this costume is just as (if not more) heinous as the number one costume in my countdown. I don’t care if you take every childhood joy I’ve known and turn them into perverted costumes worn by your friendly neighborhood strippers. Ex: Sexy Arthur the ardvark, sexy Blues clues, sexy Spongebob. But please don’t take an already controversial practice concerning children and turn it into a “fun and sexy costume” for a grown woman to wear. Has anyone ever heard of JonBenet Ramsey? This costume is disgusting, horrific and it should probably be illegal. If I see anyone wearing this costume or any costume like this, they had better be prepared to get punched.





1.      Chinese Takeout Adult Plus Costume

This is wrong and I don’t think anyone loves Chinese food this much. (And if they do they probably shouldn’t show it this way.) The worst part of this costume isn’t the gross implication of racism laced within its polyester fabric of American humor. It’s not the fact that the chopsticks aren’t included. No, it’s the “Enjoy” plastered on each breast, and the “Thank you” proudly stamped on the crotch of the dress. The only desirable part of the costume is the giant fortune cookie on the model’s head if only because it’s so large.



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