The (Other) Ten Kids You Meet in Your College Facebook Group

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This evening I logged onto Facebook to find my news feed clogged to the buttons with posts from my college’s frosh page. Among those posts was a link that led me to a Buzz Feed article called The Ten Kids You Meet in Your College Facebook Group. Needless to say, it left me amused. But in the midst of becoming the first person to click the “YAAASS” button I realized that something was missing. There are so many other characters in these college Facebook groups and I’ve been noticing them ever since I received my acceptance letter in January.  Allow me to pay homage to the personalities who weren’t quite distinctive enough to make the big list. All in good fun!

The Captain of School Spirit

After the regular decision admits are announced, life in the frosh group gets pretty busy. People come and go, but they don’t leave without subtly bragging talking about what Ivies they were accepted into and how unbelievably hard it will be to decide on a school. Occasionally, you can find The Captain of School Spirit commenting on such posts. They appear to be kind entities, lightheartedly “joking” about how other schools suck compared to their future alma mater. The original poster assures them that they still have the school in mind, but heaven forbid the captain finds out that they committed somewhere else. I once witnessed about three captains chase a kid out of the Facebook Group because he made a harmless comment on an in-group post about music after happily posting on his own wall about his commitment to the rival school two hours before.

Jen: I haven’t committed to this school yet but I’m totally digging the vibe. Who else likes puppies? 


Ann: But you’re going to this school in the end, right? Screw Harvard!


The Jam Master

You would think these guys are music majors but more of them actually tend to float in from totally unrelated studies like philosophy or poli-sci. The Jam Masters most often come in the hipster packaging—their profile pictures usually being a blurry shot of them holding a guitar in a horribly lit room. Their group posts usually consist of vague references to pot, but there is a second version of the Jam Master that tends to be a lot flakier and a lot more common. This version keeps relatively normal Facebook pictures, but their statuses usually say something like:

Blake: Hey guys, I’m so glad to be a member of the class of 2018! I dabble in the ukulele/bagpipes/harpsichord. I’m not that great but I’m totally looking for people to jam and maybe make a band with. Btw, music suggestions?


Sally: You should listen to this band called The Flaming Turkey Necks.

Danny: I wanna jam too!! We have so much in common!!!!1 [Insert regurgitation of the OP’s message here.] 

Those types of Jam Masters are usually the ones who have not and will not be in a band any time soon.


The Painfully Honest “Looking for a Roommate Type”

These are the kids you see posting the long, irrelevant paragraphs about the hobbies they have and the “underground” music they love. They muse over Breaking Bad and How I Met Your Mother, a technique that garners multiple likes from their peers. But the difference between these guys and everyone else in the group is that they keep it real. Before they begin their long, dwindling, likely unimportant post on the Facebook page, they tell you what they’re really here for…a freaking roommate! And they aren’t ashamed either. Unfortunately, their efforts go in vain. Instead of getting a message from a legitimate prospective roomie, they get multiple likes and a crap ton of small talk in their comment section.

Tina: I want a roommate and I don’t trust the college’s matching system. Read this insufferable post and message me already!


Lisa: Hey! My future roommate and I love Breaking Bad. Good luck on your search! How’s the weather over there?

Sally: Who else is rushing?

The Logical Jerk

Let’s be honest, there are a lot of them in the group. In fact, I would argue that deep down inside, most of us are very much like this character. The Logical Jerk skims through the group page with a scowl. They are tired of seeing the red notification symbol in the corner of the page but they don’t want to mute the group for fear of missing something important. They didn’t post what many other students would call “a proper introduction” either  because it is clear to them that posting 101 facts about themselves over Facebook wouldn’t help anyone understand them for the person they are. They feel like the entire system is a little superficial and they often begin to form a distaste for their Facebook active classmates. But the thing that separates The Logical Kid from the Logical Jerk is the jerk’s insistence on posting about how ridiculous they think everyone is being. While their thoughts are completely valid, they lose all credibility when they look like they’re killing the fun for other students who are just fine with a little superficial socialization.

Seth: Why do you people keep posting your favorite types of pasta? You know you probably won’t even see each other next year, right? 


The Unofficial College News Feed

This kid is very much like The Captain of School Spirit in the sense of how much they love their school. However, they aren’t as pushy and are actually very helpful. This kid hangs around Google 24/7, typing in the school’s name and pouncing on any link that comes out blue. If they find something of relevance, they are always the first ones to post it in the Facebook page.

Bobby: Hey guys! Check this out! The Huffington Post just named our college the most likely to produce raging alcoholics!


Jen: Awesome!

Josh: Neat!

Sally: Really, who else is rushing?

The Aggressive Socializer

This person is probably in the comment sections of 20 of the most recent posts. They reply to everything but occasionally make posts of other own. These posts usually begin with “Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat is my life…” before spiraling into an aggressive request for your social media usernames. The Aggressive Socializer is so well-known that you’ve probably mentioned them to your friends in the real word whether your comments are positive or negative. This kid is also the most likely to become The Future First Semester Celebrity.

Sally: My twitter, tumblr, and instagram account is superstarbuxqueen4ever! HMU!


[Infinitely many]

The Meet and Greeter

If you live in a state that is underrepresented at your college, you’ve probably noticed (and slightly envied) the Meet and Greeters. These types are usually the ones posting on Facebook about meet ups at restaurants or concerts. They also tend to have a strong backing from kids who live in their states. My school’s most reputable Meet and Greeters are from places like New Jersey, California, New York, and Illinois and their posts are often greeted with dozens of positive responses and followed by dozens of post meet-up pictures.

Josh: Hey New York kids! There are enough of us here to start a massive flash mob in Central Park! You in? 

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The Future Roommate(s)

This is the person you may or may not be lucky enough to find early in the game. They usually don’t fit into any of the other categories, but are perfect for sitting back and watching the fray with you. The two of you might share corny jokes and discuss dorm décor. And if you do happen to post anything in the Facebook group, they will almost always like your status. They also feel comfortable enough to comment on your personal statuses and photo updates as if they were one of your friends from high school.

A PM between Liz and Deena: 

Deena: Dorm ideas? 

Liz: Pinterest.


The Kid Who Didn’t Read the ED Contract

If you go to a selective school that offers an early decision option, you know good and well who I’m talking about. This is the kid who, a month after being accepted, blatantly asked if they could cancel their ultra-binding contract because they found out that they were wait-listed at Harvard or Yale. Sometimes they don’t post anything directly into the group, but instead use their timeline to tell people what colleges they were accepted to (illegally) despite the fact that the ED contract told them to withdraw all other applications upon admittance. If this kid ever gets caught, which some of us really hope will happen, the ED school and all of the additional schools they were accepted to will rescind their offers.

 Cindy: Hey I just got accepted to Columbia. Can I withdraw my application? 

Josh: Get out of here.

The Future First Semester Celebrity

Many of the kids listed above are fair game for The Future First Semester Celebrity slot but no matter what they were before, they will always be known as a campus celebrity if they happen to fall into that trap. While the idea of being mega popular on campus seems like the best thing ever, the reality of it is actually pretty embarrassing. Everyone will know their name and face and they’ll find a circle of “friends” quickly, but by the time the next semester rolls around, all of the bright-eyed freshmen would have become hardened college students and the glee of seeing the campus celebrity will lose its luster. The First Semester Celeb might even become a running joke on campus, That Facebook Kid,  and that’s never fun.

Ann has tagged Sally in this picture.

Ann: Look guys! I caught a picture of Sally totally wasted the night before a huge interview!  #2018CelebSighting 

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